My research reign is over. And I am relieved.
Also a little shocked.
The past week was especially bad for research and work in general. My research project wasn't coming together. It wasn't done by deadline. And on top of that, the co-worker who was covering most of my regular duties was on vacation, so I felt like I was doing two full-time jobs – poorly.
I had reached my breaking point.
The end started out innocently enough. I asked my boss how the hiring search was going. He replied to my e-mail with something vague and cryptic about how hiring was like buying a house ... it takes longer than you think, but once you find the right one, it comes together quickly.
It was not the answer I wanted to hear.
I wrote him back. I didn't ask for anything, but I laid my cards on the table. I said that I hoped it did come together quickly because I was very unhappy and very stressed and that I thought the quality of work – both for my regular job and the research job – were suffering. I wanted him to know exactly where I stood ... or was dangling – at the end of my rope. My co-worker thought I was very brave for telling our boss all of this, but it wasn't courage; it was desperation.
And I didn't like the reply he wrote me back. It felt a little condescending to me and involved certain phrases typed in all caps, which I hate. But I was glad that he at least knew what the situation was, and I left it at that and went back to work.
Then about three hours later, my boss alled me into his office ... and closed the door, so I knew this was going to be a serious meeting. At one point earlier in the week, I had actually looked in our employee handbook for grounds on firing. If an employee displays an inaptitude for the work through no willful cause, then that it is grounds for termination, with severance offered. Severence is one week of pay per each full year worked. So if I could make it until Monday, I reasoned, and then get fired, I could get six weeks of pay, plus all my unused vacation days.
But I wasn't called into my boss's office to be fired ... not exactly.
The first words out of his mouth were equally shocking to me, however.
"S, you're scaring me."
I think I laughed, nervous laughter. It's a bad habit that Dear Husband hates. Anytime the going gets rough and I have something serious to say, I tend to laugh. It sort of ruins the effect.
"No, really, you're scaring me. I'm worried about you. ... I don't want you to quit."
I was stunned. I was speechless. This is the man who never expresses fear. Anger, irritation, displeasure, yes. Fear, no. And I also had never heard him admit that he didn't want someone to quit. ... Of course, I have no idea what he has said to other employees who have come and gone from our office, but it was one of the last things that I ever expected to hear from him. ... Admittedly, that's a little sad. But it was probably the nicest thing he had ever said to me. After six years, I am used to his personality. He is not one to give praise easily or often, but I know that when he doesn't like something, he is quick to remind us. So I learned to accept that as long as he wasn't complaining, things were fine. No news is good news.
He cared enough to be scared and admit that he didn't want me to quit because I was a valued player in the department.
And then he told me he would take me off research.
I was getting over my shock a little by this point. I made a token refusal. I said that I didn't want him to feel that I was pushing him into doing this just because I was unhappy.
"But isn't that a good enough reason to do it?" he said.
"Yes," I said, with relief.
And almost as shocking, someone else in the office had mentioned a passing interest in doing the research job – after I had done such a good job selling it for the past five weeks, telling everyone who asked how much I hated it. In fact, I think everyone knew I hated it, except maybe my boss, who saw that the work was getting done.
I think it will work out for the best. It sounds like the person taking over the job will have fewer distractions than I had. And unlike me, he volunteered for the job.
The only thing that makes me sad about giving up the research job is that I no longer will have any reason to talk to the corporate research director. Besides being a really good, patient teacher, he is also really fun to talk to. When I was talking about some of the research tasks with the person who agreed to take over the job, I mentioned that the trainer is kind of the Anti-"Our Boss." Our boss is known throughout the department as Mr. Glass Half-Empty or sometimes a sarcastic Captain Sunshine. The new research person remarked, "Hell, if you'd mentioned that earlier, everyone would have been fighting to take over this job." So I will miss working with someone who told me I was doing a good job every so often.
But to our boss's credit, after he told me that he would no longer make me fill the research role, he also apologized (another shocking thing) for not complimenting my hard work and efforts more often. He admitted that it is a weakness and that he will try to work on it. He even apologized for throwing me into a job I obviously hated.
I didn't make it to the bitter end, but I gave it my all. DH and I will try to take a vacation before my co-worker goes on maternity leave in about six weeks (if all goes as expected for her). I'm thinking we should go to Niagara Falls. I'll also probably take a few days off and go to Dallas to visit my sister. I still have never seen her apartment. I might do a mini-makeover, too.
The job wasn't all bad ... just mostly bad. And it's finally over.
