I was never Spunky Single Gal

I read a feature story the other day about Spunky Single Gal. You know, the girl on television who is single, yet fabulously good looking, with the apartment no one on her salary could afford. The writer was lamenting how she is not Spunky Single Gal. And I realize, neither was I. Of course, I'm not Spunky Married Gal either.

I was glad to find out that I am not alone in my lack of spunk. Like the writer, I also experience tedium and frustration, and I was glad to learn that I am not the only one to burst into tears at work and have to make a dash for the bathroom. And she is 31, too, just like me.

Not that I cry at work often, but I did once recently. This was shortly after I had to take over the research job. I was told that one project that I particularly did not know how to do was canceled. But then it got un-canceled. And this was about a week before the project needed to be turned in. I was proud of myself that I did not burst into tears on the spot in my boss's office. Instead, I went back to my desk, repeating the mantra (in Tom's Hank's voice a la "A League of Their Own") "There's no crying in research. There's no crying in research." And I made it back to my desk. I'm sure it wasn't pretty because my boss gave me a double-take and asked me whether I was OK. I said yes and pulled myself together, until I realized that I just really, really wanted to cry and maybe I would feel better if I did. So I went to the bathroom and bawled for a few minutes. And then I took some deep breaths, brushed my hair, washed my hands and made it back to my desk looking relatively calm and collected.

And then I promptly burst into tears when the corporate director of research services called. That is the one advantage of being trained by phone. I have no idea whether he knew I was crying or not. But at least it was easy for both of us to pretend that everything was fine because he couldn't see me. Unlike my poor cubicle mate, who peered over the wall and saw me sniffling for sure but quickly and discreetly ducked his head back down, and we never spoke of it.

I'm not sure whether it is an advantage or a disadvantage of working in a department of mostly men. They don't know what to do about tears. It unnerves them, so they don't talk about it, which can be a good thing. But on the other hand, it's nice to have a woman in the office, who would know that sometimes there is crying in research.

But the guys in my office are trying in their own way. My supervisor -- my other boss -- patiently listens to me complain and lament about how stressed I am and the annoying things that happen, and he doesn't make me work too late; my boss helps me with the research duties as much as he can and is trying to get someone hired (and he bought me lunch the day after I had to switch to the new duties); and the other guys in the office try to encourage me and make me laugh.

And it works sometimes. I may not be spunky. But work is getting a little better (depending on the day), and my annual performance review is coming up in less than two weeks. I don't think my boss will have anything to complain about, do you? (Unless he wants to try to hire someone new yet again, right before the only other woman in our department goes on maternity leave.) And I am a believer in self-rewarding. (If I don't do it, who will?) And I plan a big reward for finishing up all the research duties.